Second Thought

This should calm Gina!

As I said the other day, I had TWO things on my mind an on that day I opted for the "cheerier" note. But today comes the not-so-cheery post. I am hoping that if I write about it, my thoughts might shift some and I can have a better perspective... so here we go.

Christmas.

It's Christmas time. I love this time of year. I love the lights, the weather, the spirit, the purpose, the presents, the entire hoopla...

I was excited about Christmas this year even before Thanksgiving arrived! I know I know, rushing things along. But the older I get the more I realize that 30 days isn't long enough to celebrate such an important time of year.

I told Kim that I wanted Christmas up right away, even wanted some sprinklings of Christmas in the home before we hosted Thanksgiving dinner.

It didn't happen.

In fact, it still hasn't happened.

No tree, no holly, no lights, no ornaments, no nativity scenes, no glitter, no gold, no... you get the point.

Somehow between November 14th and now I have lost the spirit. Misplaced it in all the paperwork and bills of our household.

I have looked! I looked everywhere, and it seems to be completely missing.

I don't know what has happened this year, but I am having a rough go at getting joyous.

I talked to God about it. Asked his forgiveness and his guidance. Heck, I even had a conversation with Santa! But still, here is December 11 and I am not twinkling in the slightest.

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

I think I know. It's been a tough year. And now, in the few days before Christmas, we continue to get a few low blows that have knocked us off the one leg we were standing on. God must have been listening (duh) because despite having no legs beneath me, I am still standing.

Part of me feels defeated and wants to just forgo Christmas at this point. No need in getting a tree, wrapping presents, baking cookies, sending cards, decorating gingerbread houses, lighting apple and cinnamon candles, hanging lights, putting up wreaths...no time.

Then.

Part of me feels like there is still hope. Who cares if it will be short lived, dive in and get with it. The investment is only time and effort. I got the goods already, I just have to dig them out and hang them up.

Same is true for my heart. I know there is hope in there too. I just have to dig it out.

I guess this is all to say that I am having a rough time.

I am not yet defeated, but a little slow moving.

So what if this isn't the year that I am ahead of the game, or even close to being IN the game... at least I had this year, right?

RIGHT!

See, it worked. I wrote about it, and now I have a bit of strength to drag myself forward.

And, I got good things to look forward to! Thankfully, I have friends that care about me and my family and over several months ago they bought tickets for a night of fun. That night of fun is due tomorrow!

Maybe when I board that train to the Polar Express I will find my joy and spirit.

And maybe I will find a tree to decorate.

And maybe I will light my cinnamon apple candle.

And maybe I will make cookies with Boo.

Yea. I think that's a good plan.

All Aboard!!!!!!

Thinking Aloud.

TWO THINGS to talk about and I don't know where to start!

Scratch that, I know where to start now. I will start in the order the thoughts came to me.

First thought titled: SOOTHING

As many of you know I have lost some weight this year. In losing that weight, I have reduced not only my clothes size, but also my ring size.

I tried to remedy the situation by putting tape around the ring, winding rubberbands, tying thread, etc.. but still all the attempts would eventually fail me and my ring would occasionally fly off and land on the ground.

My heart would nearly stop each time I felt the ring gone from my finger.

I like my wedding ring. I like my husband. I want to wear the ring he gave me.

But I can't anymore. Or at least not until I can afford to resize it.

So I did the right thing for now and I put the ring away where it would be safe and not accidentally go kerplunk down a drain.

While the ring was safe, I now was being tormented each time my thumb would instinctively reach over to my ring finger to feel my ring and IT WASN'T THERE! Panic! Even though the ring was safe, I still felt the immediate panic that it fell off.. and then I would remember that it was safe, and then came the feelings of sadness. I miss my ring.

Apparantly I would feel for my ring a million times throughout the day and it never bothered me because it was always there and I would feel soothed by it being there - unconsciously.

But now, a million times a day I panic and feel unsettled.

I really really really miss my ring.

Saturday I fished around for awhile in my jewelry box for a replacement ring, but all of them were too big!!!

Until.

Until I found one ring in particular.

I held it in my fingers and felt all the grooves in it, wondering if I should even try it. After thinking about it and warming it up in my hands I decided to go for it.

I slipped it on and it fits PERFECTLY! I mean... PER.FECT.LY!

Off I went for the rest of my day, with this ring on my finger.

I will be honest and say that when my thumb instinctively feels my ring finger to be sure my ring is there, I still panic a little. The feel of the ring isn't quite the same as my own wedding ring.

But.

I am soothed in a different way that is as good.

The ring I wear today is my Grandma's' wedding ring.

Simple. Gold. Slightly adorned with entertwined circles engraved into the 1/4" thick band.

When my thumb feels it I CANNOT HELP but to think of my Grandma, and of my Grandpa, and of their love, and of their presence, and of their solitude, and of their marriage, and of their life, and of their children, and of their committment, and of their wisdom, and of their life, and of their hands...

I am soothed.

It isn't my wedding ring. But it is a wedding ring that holds memories that I hope someday my wedding ring will inspire in Sarah. Someday. When I am not here, when her Dad is not here, when she is older and wiser, and when she holds my ring, I hope she will sense how much I love her Daddy, how strong our marriage was, that while we were good people, how committed we are, how wise we are, how much we adore our children, how much we like to laugh, how much we... love.

Thank you Grandma. Who knew that the ring you would give me on the day I graduated from with my Masters over 4 years ago would regift itself even stronger this week. I was taken aback then and now, daily, hourly, and even by the minute, each time my thumb slides over the metal, I am taken back again.

Thank you. I love you.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I have no good answer. Well. I have a kinda good answer. I have been behind the lens of my awesome Canon 5D camera taking pictures of beautiful people. And it has consumed me. And all of my time. And all of my energy. But I love it.

Today I stole some time away because I thought it important to come here to tell my twelve followers (Hi Family! I love you) something that will hopefully save them from future embarassment.

Here I go. Listen wisely. And take good notes please.

Do not. I repeat. Do not go into a Safeway store in the morning, looking and feeling all fresh and pretty, to buy a few miscellaneous items for a potluck at your work that you did not prepare for in advance.

Do not be distracted by some pretty bright yellow display of Burts Bees products on an endcap.

Do not choose the all weather lip balm because you want to have good lips in the freezing cold weather found in Northern California (Yes, Lori and Mom, I know there isn't snow, but it is cold enough, I swear!)

Do not then check out your items in line and request to have the lip balm in your hand so you can apply immediately.

Do not go to the Starbucks kiosk in the store and wait in an enormously long line for coffee that is outrageously priced and laced with heroin (I am sure that it is).

Do not get bored in said line and open your Burts Bees All Weather Lip Balm and apply to your lips.

Do not only put it on partially because it is hard to apply being a brand new stick of lip balm. By partially I mean heavily applying to the center of your top and bottom lip and smackin' it around a little for good measure.

Do not do this.

I did this.

And then I waited in line. Feeling sassy, pretty, fresh, alive, awake, and confident.

I stood there. Smiling at everyone, not afraid to make eye contact.

I eventually made it to the front of the line and ordered my coffee and proceeded to the back of the next line to receive my coffee.

Eventually I did. Sipping it immediately and burning my heavily and partially coated Burts Bees All Weather Lip Balmed lips.

I walked out to the car, head held high. Still smiling at everyone fromt the bag boys to the 7-Up delivery guy.

Then I got in the car.

Then I looked in the rear view mirror to admire my moisturized and protected lips.

They were white.

Partially.

Only in the middle of my lips.

Like a geisha girl. But not.

Who knew that Burts Bees All Weather Lip Balm went on WHITE?!?! (Kymn!)

Don't make this mistake.

If I have saved one person from this embarassment, it was worth publicly sharing my stupidity.


Dear Burts Bees Product Makers,
I do love your products. Really. But WHITE!?! Why you have to go make WHITE lip balm?

Dear Starbucks Coffee Peoples,
I do love your coffee. Really. But why do you have to make them so addictive and high priced?

Happy Halloween!!!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Beach Travel

Traveling is super uper important to Kim and I. Doesn't have to be grand, doesn't have to be far, doesn't have to be to popular places... it just has to be getting out and about and seeing something other than our normal day to day world.

This weekend we were able to feed our need for travel when we headed out to Dillon Beach for a day.

I had so much fun! I can't even tell you how freeing it was to be running on the beach hand in hand with Sarah. She is becoming much more brave in the water. She was up to her arm pits and would have been excited to go more if I were willing.

AND... for anyone that has witnessed Sarah on the beach, I am pleased to announce that she marched from the car to the water without a single complaint about the sand. In fact, she kicked her flip flops off as soon as we hit sand and marched on a mission to get her feet wet.

THIS IS HUGE! This girl typically begs and cries to be carried across the grainy granuales.

Not anymore!!!!! :)

And in my OTHER hand I got to have Ethan or Emma! They too were brave as they jumped each little wave creeping farther and farther out until the water hit their hips! WATER BABIES! That's what they are! FUN I tell ya.

Oh and the Abby-do. Dainty little Abby... she built sand castles and picked up sea shells from the shore and was actually careful to NOT go into the water. But after watching the other kids she did let me hold her as "I" got my toes wet; her toes wrapped safely around my waist. :)

Dillon Beach, I love you.

Unfortunately I left the camera at home. On purpose. But the husband of my dreams did get video. I will see if we can get some of that uploaded to the computer before next Spring! :)

TWO STEPS FORWARD one (wet) step back

All I can say is, we don't need a cat or dog in the house, Sarah is doing just fine peeing on the carpet all by herself.

I can't believe I just typed that.

But it's true! She has been AMAZING for YEARS actually with the potty training. This chickie was quick to go pee pee on the potty at a very young age, and then of course we celebrated that accomplishment so well that we forgot to keep moving forward and getting her potty trained for night time too.

But eventually we did. And she did GREAT!

She IS great, so that's to be expected. But greatness can only be measured if un-greatness exists. Ungreatness, when it comes to potty training, is called "accidents".

Sarah has had some accidents throughout the process, as to be expected. An occassional pee pee in the bed or right in front of the potty. No worries, that's what lysol, mops, rubber gloves, washing machines, febreeze, carpet cleaner, and pinesol are for. And let me say, for QUITE A LONG TIME we haven't had to use ANY of those products, or at least, not to clean up THOSE kind of accidents.

Until the last TWO days.

TWO DAYS IN A ROW.

Twice, she gets out of bed, has to go potty, and instead of walking the SHORT distance to the bathroom she takes the long detour out to the living room. There she stands, once in front of Daddy, and last night in front of me... and peed.

FULL. ON. PEED. on the floor.

How do I keep my cool? Well. I don't.

I kinda get mad.

Minus the kinda.

So off we went to the shower, at 12 a.m.

She crying. Me taking deep breaths.

I don't get it! I asked her why, and she says she just wanted to come see me/us. Thought she could make it but then didn't.

Well, hopefully after the SECOND time and a STRONG talk there will not be a THIRD "accident".

Chuck E. Cheese is on the line.

Don't judge.

In hindsight, after the carpet is cleaned, the lysol and febreeze is sprayed, the gloves are off, the child is washed, and the lights are back off I got to wondering, is she even AWAKE?

I don't know. All I know is, 24 hours later, I can't help but smile when I think about this little girl. Even when she pee's on my carpet, I love her. I love her through and through, inside out, upside down, and from the heart.

Anyone have a rug steam cleaner I can borrow?

Phobia

I think I actually have developed a phobia of trees. Trees and wind. Trees, wind and rain. I don't like the combination. Two years ago that combination destroyed my car, the garage side of my home, and my sanity for nearly 24 hours! See here and here and here and here for more information about that mess.

Anyhoo, two years later, our first big rain and wind and I caught myself swerving to reduce the need to drive directly under any large tree branches. Passed two that had fallen and blocked the street... so I am not imagining things!

And no, I do not display my "fears" in front of Sarah, no need to get her all worried... but then I realized this morning, she seems to actually have a little concern regardless of me. This moring she didn't want to come off the porch. I think because of the rain, but usually she is running off to jump in puddles, and today, she cried. Dad had to rescue her.

Swooped her up and carried her to the car. Ok, it was partly rescue effort, part "I'm late, let's go" but it worked all the same for the Bear.

So, my goal this winter is to not feed into the phobia and to take Sarah puddle jumping.... tomorrow. I will be stronger tomorrow.

I am glad it is raining, but please, no trees fall on me, my people, or my things :) Please.


*** UPDATED 10/13/09: This year it is my darn near daughter in law and sons turn :( They too have a tree down. Thankfully they are fine, there house is fine, and no cars were injured.

Funny Friday?!

Wanna hear what made me laugh out loud today? And no, it's not about Sarah this time (sorry mom), just something I observed.

I will assume you all said yes or shook your head up and down.

(You all is my sister and my mom. Anyone else out there?)

On my way to get a money order for COD delivery for some clients that will be SURPRISED with their bonus gifts, I was stopped at a red light. As I looked around and took in the scenery I saw a woman in a scooter. No biggie. But then I noticed that it wasn't just ANY scooter. This thing was suped up! It had stickers, fancy rims, flags, baskets, decorative handlebars, and a specially welded oxygen tank holder - in RED... fancy, I am telling you! I giggled.

Well, then I made my way to Safeway and headed back out to the car with my money order in hand for the CLIENTS THAT WILL RECEIVE A SPECIAL GIFT IN THEIR SOON TO BE DELIVERED ORDERS and there was that woman on the scooter. And while I thought she had a fancy rig when I first saw her, I had no idea how high tech it was too! SHE WAS TALKING ON A CB! How smart is that?! Who needs cellular service when you got a CB rigged to your scooter? That fancy high flying flag was a decorative CB antennae!

Does anyone else find this funny? SMART mind you, but funny too.

Take pride in your ride and stay connected - that's all I gots to say about that!

Sarah Says..

On the way to taking Sarah to school we pass by the hospital that Sarah was born at. Where I was born. Where Kim's kids were born. Where Kim was born...

And yes, it makes me smile. I smile because I am still amazed that I have a daughter. Of course I have a daughter in Harmony, but I never thought I would birth my own. And here she is in the backseat of my car.

Today, as we pass by the hospital, there are many construction workers crawling around the place as they have built on a whole new wing to the place. And as we are waiting for the traffic light to turn green so we can continue cruising on by, Sarah says...

Sarah, "Mom, there are a lot of people working there."

Me, "Yes, there are. They are working hard to make the hospital bigger so they can help more people get well."

Sarah, "Wow, Mom, they are even climbing the windows!", she says this pointing to scaffolding.

Me, "Yeup, hard workers!"

Sarah, "Mom, do you think they get a treat when they are done working?"

Sarah, "Well, yes, I bet they do get a treat."

Sarah, "I bet they get gummie bears, Mom."

I'm thinking they get beer.

CAR!

I need a car. A car that can get me from Point A to Point B without needing to be pushed anywhere in between.

A car.

I am being rather greedy as I already have one car.

But when you have one car, one husband, one four year old, two different job sites, a daycare facility, the need to go to a grocery store, the need to go to a class, or the need to go ANYWHERE one car doesn't seem to be enough.

I am excited to do more with photography and have some awesome opportunities to broaden Moomp's offering to include Birth Photography, however, that means I need a car to go to the hospital at the drop of a dime.

If I were to take the ONE car we have, that leaves my husband and four year old stranded.

Not so good.

So I am being greedy.

Just ONE MORE CAR is all I need.

Please.

Whoever is in charge of random blessings that involve car donations - I would be so very grateful if you could come by my place.

Why isn't life like that Toyota commericial (or Nissan, or Ford, or...) where a giant car falls from the sky right into your driveway?

I wish it would rain just one Toyota (or Nissan or Ford, or...) at my house.

Dreaming.

H

Sarah Says...

The other night Dad, Sarah and I were goofing off in the kitchen, getting ready to make some "capsters" when Sarah just starts busting up laughing, out of the blue, loudly.

Both Dad and I look at each other and then look at her, each of us raising one eyebrow.

"What's so funny, Bub?," says Dad
"I tooted," says Sarah
We all laughed and then Kim and I straighten up pretty quick being sure to not over celebrate a toot.

Then Dad moves on to the teaching moment (AGAIN!)

"Sarah, what do you say?" says Dad
"I tooted a lot, Dad," says Sarah. "I went toot toot toot toot toot toot."
"Ok, Sarah," says Dad, "but now what do you say?"
"I say, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me." says Sarah

I love this little girl, tooters and all!

*Capsters are bottle caps filled with stuff (glitter rocks, shells, odd stuff) and filled to the brim with glue. We have been making them regularly. I need more bottlecaps. And glue.

Let me just say there is something therapuetic about being stranded in a small town and sitting at a little corner cafe with..... time to relax.

Trust Me

The lack of posting is not indicitive of a lack of entertainment from the Boo Bear. She is as crazy as ever and EVERY. DAY. there are a gazillion things that she does that make me think, "I gotta blog that!"

And then I don't.

Because I am a loser.

And because I am completely and utterly beside myself with hectic-ness.

Sessions (YAY!)
Mini trips to see friends (YAY!)
Baby Shower planning (YAY!)
Birthdays (YAY!)
Surprise visits from Joshie (YAY!)
Cancelling of Disneyland trip (BOO!)
Swim Lessons... tumbling class... yard work... library work... farm town (don't ask)... laundry... planning for christmas sessions... creating christmas cards for clients... fighting with Kim... making up with Kim... having coffee with Kymn... the list goes on and on!

But I digress.

I am blogging today, and that's what counts.

Today, on the way to taking Sarah to school...

Sarah: "Mom, why do you have to go to work ALL THE TIME?"
Me: "Because I need to make the money!"
S: "Why do you need money?"
Dad: "Because we have to pay our bills, buy food, go to movies."
silence....
S: "Why isn't everything just for free?"

I would even be ok if half the things we pay for were free... I'm not greedy!

This weekend Sarah, Kim and I went to see Auntie Gina and Uncle Walt, although Uncle Walt wasn't there :( While visiting over the weekend, Sarah entertained herself in a variety of ways. She chased Ginger, she watched TV, she played at the beach, she blew bubbles, she sewed a couple little bags, she colored, and she chased Ginger (incessently).

When she was coloring and drawing, with her Dad and I, she showed us what she was working on. It was a picture of Kim, Sarah, Me, and Sissy... (I will scan to show you). And it was a cute little picture that she was proud of. To encourage her to grow her skills at drawing the details I asked her if she could put eyelashes on me. She said to me, as she continued to draw on the picture...

"Yes, I can do that, but let me draw your hand first so you will be able to hold me."

Swoon.

Have I said lately, out loud, and extremely proud... how much I LOVE this little (BIG) girl?

Bad (but fun) Birthday Video

A little video fun...

What's That Smell?

This morning I dropped off an air freshener at a friend’s house. Not your typical air freshener. It was much larger than the little 3 inch pop open canisters or 6 inch tall aerosol sprays. It wasn’t Febreeze, Renuzit, or any other name brand you may be familiar with. This was an air freshener that stands about 3 feet tall and weighs 35 pounds. The air freshener I am referring to has blondish hair and mesmerizing brown eyes. Her name is Sarah.

She is not considered an air freshener because of her bubbly personality, although she has one. She is not considered an air freshener because of her beaming smile and dimpled chin, although she has those too. Instead, she is being referred to as an air freshener because she, all on her own, when nobody was looking, found a little innocent spray bottle of body mist. Papaya Mango scent I believe.

The spray body mist is innocent only if used in moderation. When NOT used in moderation, but instead used by a new four year old, it becomes obnoxious and just plain stinky.

According to the strength of the aroma that surrounds her, I estimate that she used half the bottle. Or maybe all of it.

If you stand in another room, in another house, the smell isn’t so bad. But if you are in the same house as Sarah, and worse yet, in the same room as Sarah, please prepare yourself for you will surely experience watery eyes and possible choking.

This morning I was late and had no time to bathe her, in ammonia, to clear the smell. So instead we dressed her in pretty clothes, told her to smile, and drove her across town to M and L’s house. A gift really. A living, breathing, beautiful, smiley, bubbly, stinky gift.

No longer is she referred to as Sarah Bear… she is now Sarah-Air Freshener. Today she comes in the scent of Papaya-Mango. Just place her in any room that needs a little air freshening up and in less than 2 minutes you will be glad you did. In 3 minutes you will be cursing my name.

Oh – and there is an added uniqueness to this Sarah-Air Freshener. While the main scent is Papaya-Mango, if you are brave enough to lean in on her, sniff a little closer, you will smell the faint smell of Right Guard. Yes folks, Right Guard. Because not only does she love my body spray, but she also loves her Daddy’s under arm deodorant. Oh, she will use my Watermelon scented Ladys Speed Stick if she must, but her favorite, by far, is the fluorescent green manly-man smell of Right Guard. And this morning she was able to coax Papa into a little dabble in each pit. Lovely.

Who needs to borrow our Sarah-Air Freshener next time?